Theranos, But Make It Wag: The Sequel Nobody Asked For

Silicon Valley has always had a soft spot for comebacks, but this one? This one should be studied in labs — right after they’ve been scanned by a laser-equipped urine-sniffing diagnostic cube built by the boyfriend of America’s favorite fraudster.

That’s right, Billy Evans — heir to a hotel fortune, partner to incarcerated Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes, and apparent sufferer of severe irony deficiency — is now trying to raise $50 million for Haemanthus, a diagnostics startup whose name is literally a synonym for blood. Subtle. It’s the kind of naming choice that screams, “No lessons learned, full speed ahead.”

According to reporting by The New York Times’s Rob Copeland, Haemanthus is developing a suspiciously Theranos-esque machine: a slick black box with lasers, a screen, and — wait for it — zero regulatory oversight. Not our words, theirs. Apparently the USDA “confirmed in writing” that they have no jurisdiction. That's one way to avoid government interference: target a market where nobody’s looking… like pet diagnostics. Because if you're going to reboot the most infamous fraud in biotech history, best to start by gaslighting golden retrievers.

Billy, who describes himself on LinkedIn as working at a “stealth startup,” seems to have taken "stealth" to mean "please don’t Google my last name." Investor materials make no mention of his connection to Holmes — you know, the woman who gave us fake test results, failed diagnoses, and a Netflix series. But don't worry: this time, it's different. This time the lasers are “tunable.”

We’re told the long-term plan is to transition from scamming—I mean scanning—Fido to optimizing human health. The vision? A stamp-sized wearable that can detect infections, hormones, and cancer with the wave of a wand and the press of a touchscreen. No need for scientific validation, clinical trials, or a soul — just vibes and venture money.

To be fair, a few people seem to be exercising judgment. VC James Breyer — who dodged the Theranos bullet twice — passed on this, again citing something called “scientific defensibility.” Novel concept. Others, like Michael Dell’s firm, also reportedly said no. But somewhere out there, someone with a crypto wallet and a Labradoodle is probably writing a check.

The Haemanthus origin story feels less like innovation and more like an SNL sketch that got rejected for being too on-the-nose. It's the spiritual sequel to The Dropout, except this time the lead isn’t in a turtleneck — he’s in a Patagonia vest, trying to get your dog to pee in a cup.

Silicon Valley loves a redemption arc. But maybe, just maybe, we should draw the line at blood-testing startups run by the romantic partners of convicted fraudsters. Then again, this is the Valley — where the only thing more consistent than self-delusion is the belief that this time, with just enough lasers and less FDA, it’ll work.

Spoiler: it won’t.