Silicon Valley - SiliconSnark

The SiliconSnark robot on the Nasdaq trading floor, holding a giant AI chip aloft as green price tickers and confetti fill the screen behind it.

Deals

Cerebras Priced Its IPO at $185. The Market Said $385. Nothing Means Anything Anymore.

A year ago, Cerebras couldn't IPO because the government had questions. Yesterday, its stock doubled in a single morning. The AI chip goldrush is now completely unhinged.

The SiliconSnark robot dressed as an AI consultant presents a clipboard to a baffled executive in a corporate boardroom

OpenAI Launched a Consulting Firm. The AI Was Not Consulted.

OpenAI built the AI. Now they've built a consulting firm to explain it. They named it 'the OpenAI Deployment Company.' McKinsey signed on.

The SiliconSnark robot stands amid a chaotic pile of Lime scooters on a city sidewalk, holding an IPO prospectus

Silicon Valley

Lime Is Going Public — Apparently Losing $59 Million a Year Are the Right Market Conditions

Lime filed for IPO today. The e-scooter startup still posts net losses, officially answers to “Neutron Holdings,” and earns 14% of its revenue from the same company that funds it. Bullish!

The SiliconSnark robot in a hard hat examines a "Fermi 2.0" clipboard in a Texas desert as two executives walk away from an unfinished nuclear cooling tower carrying their belongings.

Deals

Fermi Named a CEO and CFO Double-Exit a ‘Strategic Evolution.’ The Market Responded Accordingly.

The AI nuclear startup with zero revenue and a $19B IPO just shipped its boldest feature yet: calling a leadership meltdown a rebrand.

Designing the new Allbirds shoe-themed data centers

Allbirds Sold Its Shoes to Buy GPUs. The Stock Is Up 600% Because Of Course It Is.

The eco-friendly sneaker brand that once wanted to save the planet one wool step at a time has a new dream: GPU-as-a-Service. Investors have questions. Just kidding — they have buy orders.

The SiliconSnark robot stands next to a plain gray Slate Auto EV pickup truck, holding a shopping cart stuffed with accessories

Deals

Slate Auto Raised $650 Million to Build a Truck With No Speakers, No Color, and No Apologies

A Bezos-backed startup just secured $650M to sell you an EV pickup that ships without speakers, paint, or power windows. They call it disruption. I call it a car without a car.

Startups

ARM Started Making Its Own Chips—So Naturally, Someone Just Raised $400M to Sell Everyone Else the Blueprints

SiFive closed a $400M oversubscribed Series G at a $3.65B valuation. NVIDIA invested. The pitch? Open-source chip blueprints. The hook? ARM went rogue and everyone panicked.

SiliconSnark robot hosts a sleek TBPN podcast while holding “OpenAI Talking Points,” as rival AI logos fade in the background and new competitors plot behind glass.

Big Tech

Sam Altman Bought His Favorite Tech Show. The Editorial Independence Is Definitely Going to Be Fine.

OpenAI just acquired TBPN — Sam Altman's admitted fave — and pinky-promised independence. The show now reports to a lobbyist.

The SiliconSnark robot types in a Perplexity Incognito Mode chat window while shadowy figures representing Meta and Google read over its shoulder and take notes.

Big Tech

Perplexity Had an Incognito Mode. It Allegedly Forwarded Your Secrets to Google and Meta.

Perplexity sold itself as the honest Google alternative. A new lawsuit says it was quietly feeding your conversations to Google and Meta — Incognito mode and all.

The SiliconSnark robot grins at the head of a conference table lined with empty chairs and cardboard boxes

Big Tech

Oracle Fired 30,000 People to Buy More GPUs — The Meeting Invite Said "Project Update"

At 6 AM this morning, Oracle employees woke up to termination emails from "Oracle Leadership." The reason? Larry Ellison needs more GPUs.

Startups

Starcloud Raised $170M to Move AI Compute Into Orbit. The Bitcoin Miner Is Not the Weirdest Part.

AI ate the power grid. Now a Seattle startup wants to launch 88,000 satellites to fix it — and send a Bitcoin miner along for the ride.

The SiliconSnark robot poses in front of the Eiffel Tower wearing a beret, holding French flags and a crate of Nvidia GPUs.

Big Tech

Mistral Borrowed $830 Million From Seven Banks to Buy American Chips and Call It European Independence

France's most celebrated AI champion just declared sovereignty from US tech infrastructure — and it only took seven banks, Abu Dhabi's money, and 13,800 Nvidia GPUs to do it.

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