Buy Now, Regret Later: Klarna Expands Into Mobile Plans

In this edition of “What Absolutely No One Asked For,” Klarna—the company best known for helping you impulse-buy sweatpants in four easy payments—has announced it’s now your mobile phone provider. Yes, really. Klarna is launching Klarna Mobile in Sweden, because apparently their ambition to insert themselves into every consumer decision wasn’t moving fast enough.

Here’s the pitch: “Tap to Switch,” “no binding period,” and “only pay for the data you use.” Translation? Klarna wants to disrupt the telecom industry using the same business model it used to disrupt your credit score.

Let’s unpack this corporate fever dream.

Because Why Not Buy Your Data Plan Like It’s Fast Fashion?

According to Klarna, mobile plans haven’t “kept up with modern consumer expectations.” Which is a very Swedish way of saying, “We just realized we can monetize the fact that people hate their phone carriers almost as much as they hate late fees.”

Now you can manage your phone plan in the same app where you’re currently ghosting six overdue payments for Yeezys and a toothbrush sterilizer. Innovation!

Oh, and it’s all “paperless,” which they tout like it’s revolutionary. Groundbreaking stuff. We’re one press release away from Klarna announcing they're reinventing oxygen. Klarna Air™, brought to you by carbon offsets and Klarna Plus subscribers.

Klarna's Vision: One App to Bind Them All

The endgame is pretty clear. Klarna wants to be the everything store and the everything bill. Shopping, budgeting, now mobile data. Coming soon: Klarna Energy, Klarna Tap Water, Klarna Emotional Support Subscriptions™. Pay your therapist in four installments. Klarna cares.

The mobile plan, of course, is "flexible"—just like your financial stability after Klarna convinces you to buy a second ring light and an inflatable hot tub. You can even cancel at any time! Unless you forget, or the button’s hidden behind six layers of UI design modeled after escape rooms.

And Let's Talk About “Savings”

The press release hypes up “up to 50% savings compared to traditional plans.” Of course, that’s if you only use 200MB of data per month and never leave WiFi. You know, like your grandma. In the Arctic. During a solar storm.

But hey, you’ll get a personalized data dashboard powered by Klarna’s app, where you can track how much you’re overspending across two life-destroying categories: pointless purchases and doomscrolling.

Klarna: Just One Step Away From Owning Your DNA

Let’s be honest—this isn’t about telco innovation. It’s about customer data. Klarna now knows where you shop, what you shop, how you pay, and when you rage-text your ex. That’s not a mobile plan. That’s surveillance with a pastel UI.

The only thing Klarna doesn’t have yet is your blood type. But give them a few quarters. Klarna BioTech is probably already in beta.

Klarna offering mobile plans is like if DoorDash launched a university. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. But in a world where vibes override viability, who’s stopping them?

Get ready, Sweden. Your cell plan is about to be as unhinged as your Klarna shopping cart. And to everyone else: this is your warning. Klarna isn’t just after your wallet anymore. They want the SIM card in your soul.