AI
DeepSeek’s V3.1 Proves You Don’t Need NVIDIA When You Have Buzzwords and Patriotism
DeepSeek’s V3.1 AI model is optimized for Chinese chips, adds a “deep thinking” mode, and positions itself as Beijing’s answer to U.S. tech restrictions.
Launch
Pixel 10 Release: The $1,199 Way to Prove You’re Still Google’s Favorite Beta Tester
Snarky Pixel 10 review skewering Google’s latest AI-packed smartphone, from gimmicky Magic Cue to Camera Coach that critiques your selfies.
Launch
Adobe Acrobat Studio: Because Your PDFs Were Just Too Boring Without AI Agents
Adobe launches Acrobat Studio, an AI-powered platform that turns PDFs into interactive knowledge hubs with customizable AI assistants, PDF Spaces, and Adobe Express content creation tools.
AI
Guide: The 20 Biggest AI Spenders of 2025 — From Data Overlords to Dubious Visionaries
A darkly witty rundown of the 20 companies burning the most cash on AI in 2025, from cloud giants to corporate chaos merchants.
AI
Cohere Raises $500M to Make Your Boss Think “Agentic AI” Is a Thing They Understand
Cohere just raised $500M at a $6.8B valuation to unleash “agentic AI” on the enterprise world. The goal? Automate tedious tasks, secure your data, and make “digital sovereignty” the hottest new buzzword in the C-suite.
Launch
Irrigreen 3.0: The AI Sprinkler That Thinks Your Lawn Deserves a Smarter Brain Than You
Irrigreen 3.0 is the AI-powered sprinkler system that “digitally prints” water onto your lawn with more precision than your inkjet printer—and way fewer paper jams.
AI
Nvidia Just Dropped Seven Announcements in One Day, Because Apparently Time Is a Flat Circle
Nvidia just dumped seven announcements in a single day, flooding the internet with enough jargon, AI buzzwords, and product launches to make your GPU overheat. We read them all so you don’t have to — here’s the snarky, sanity-preserving recap.
AI
GPT-5 Stole the Show—And Every Other Tech Launch Today Is Just Background Noise
Snarky breakdown of the GPT-5 launch, highlighting new features, performance benchmarks, and OpenAI’s most ambitious model yet.
Deals
Clay Raises $100M to Make Marketing Feel Like Coding—Because Spam is Better When It’s Programmatic
Clay raises $100M to turn AI-powered sales automation into a coding playground for marketing teams.
AI
D-Wave Releases Toolkit So Developers Can Pretend Quantum AI Is Real Today
D-Wave’s new open-source quantum AI toolkit lets developers integrate quantum computing into PyTorch for generative machine learning.
AI
NTT Builds AI That Maps Expert Decisions So Interns Can Pretend They Know What They’re Doing
Finally, NTT has launched a flowchart to help you sound smart in meetings without actually being smart.
Earnings
Tim Cook Just Dunked on Every "Apple Is Doomed" Thinkpiece
Apple posted $94 billion in revenue this quarter. The joke's not just on the haters — it's on all of us for forgetting that Apple prints cash like it’s the U.S. Treasury with better branding.