Tim Cook Just Dunked on Every "Apple Is Doomed" Thinkpiece
Apple posted $94 billion in revenue this quarter. The joke's not just on the haters — it's on all of us for forgetting that Apple prints cash like it’s the U.S. Treasury with better branding.
Today was supposed to be the moment when Apple finally showed cracks in the trillion-dollar fruit’s polished veneer. A plateau. A stumble. A signal that maybe—just maybe—the world’s biggest company couldn’t keep selling you the same phone with a new camera bump and “AI-powered calendar widgets” forever.
Instead?
Tim Cook calmly walked out of the June quarter earnings booth and laid a quiet 360-degree windmill dunk on the heads of every tech pundit who’s typed “Apple has lost its edge” since the Vision Pro unceremoniously disappeared from everyone’s memory.
Apple reported $94.0 billion in quarterly revenue, up 10% year-over-year, with a 12% bump in diluted EPS and record-setting sales for iPhone, Mac, and Services. That’s not just winning. That’s dominating—like Michael Jordan in the '90s if Jordan also had 2 billion people paying $0.99/month to sync Notes.
“Double-digit growth... growth around the world... a beautiful new software design…” said Cook, lightly brushing dirt off his shoulders and tossing in just enough WWDC buzzwords to remind us all that yes, there’s also AI. Apple Intelligence™. Please clap.
And if you thought Services were slowing down? Nah. They’re still climbing, because nothing says “growth engine” like charging people for extra iCloud space to store 75 nearly identical photos of their dog.
Even Apple's board joined the flex, declaring a $0.26/share dividend, which is basically their version of flipping you a crisp quarter and saying, “Thanks for believing we’d ever struggle.”
The Real Joke
We keep waiting for Apple to fall behind, but it turns out it’s us who are behind. They’re playing economic 4D chess while the rest of the industry fumbles through layoffs, profit warnings, and AI voice assistants that sound like haunted microwaves.
Apple prints money like it’s ChatGPT spitting out LinkedIn posts—endlessly, remorselessly, and with just enough polish to make you think it’s groundbreaking.
So here’s to Tim Cook. He didn’t have to drop the mic today, because the earnings report did it for him.
