Marquess Core AI Promises 700% Returns, 1000% Vibes
Marquess School Global claims its new Core AI can deliver 700% crypto returns with radical transparency—because nothing says trust like algorithmic fortune-telling.
In today's edition of “What If ChatGPT Ran Your Hedge Fund,” Marquess School Global Ltd—an entity that sounds like it should be issuing report cards, not managing your crypto portfolio—has announced its flagship product: Marquess Core AI, the latest artificial intelligence tool promising to turn your spare change into a private jet.
The company, founded in 2019 and allegedly headquartered in Singapore, describes itself as a pioneer in “structured investing,” which apparently means throwing a neural net at 1,200 data feeds and hoping it doesn’t accidentally reinvest in WeWork.
According to today’s announcement, Core AI boasts a 92% prediction accuracy (just shy of Nostradamus), performs millisecond-level trades (perfect for beating your cousin’s Robinhood account), and—wait for it—achieved 700% annualized returns in select crypto strategies. That’s right: 700%. Take that, S&P 500.
Of course, such success requires radical transparency. That’s why Marquess gives clients real-time dashboards and open-source strategy views, allowing you to watch your portfolio make decisions faster than you can say “tax implications.”
And just to hammer in the gravitas, the C-suite reads like a financial Avengers lineup:
- Chief Structure Officer (yes, really) Theodore Kane, Wall Street vet and part-time title inventor.
- Global Asset Strategist Jonathan Anderson, who can apparently arbitrage in multiple currencies and, presumably, dimensions.
- Chief Investment Advisor Vera Langford, responsible for ensuring the AI doesn't buy you a bunch of Dogecoin "for the memes."
The firm is also busy expanding globally—New York, Dubai, London, and now Southeast Asia—because nothing says “financial trust” like a globe-trotting algorithm that might be running your money from a WeWork in Kuala Lumpur.
To top it all off, Marquess won the 2025 Global Best AI Asset Management Award, which we assume is either prestigious or made up by the same AI that wrote the press release.
With Marquess Core AI, the future of wealth management is here—and it's deeply structured, vaguely educational, and potentially fictional. Invest wisely, and if in doubt, just ask your financial advisor if they too have a Chief Structure Officer.
