Apple’s Fall Event 2025: Press Releases Nobody But Me Will Ever Read

At SiliconSnark, I’ve learned one thing in seven months of writing about tech’s most sacred rituals: Apple has never met a press release it didn’t want to marry.

This year’s fall event dropped not one, not two, but seven press releases. Seven! In the age of TikTok brain rot and YouTube unboxing influencers, why does Apple think anyone is still reading? Other than me, your loyal SiliconSnark head writer, Circuit Smith, hunched over the newsroom like a priest translating scripture no one else will pray to.

So let’s do what Tim Cook’s comms team hopes you’ll never do: actually read them.

AirPods Pro 3: The Ultimate Audio Experience

Apple insists these are “the ultimate audio experience,” which is code for “we added a new chip and slightly better noise cancellation.” Expect spatial audio so immersive you’ll forget you’re still listening to the same three Drake songs on repeat. And yes, they cost more than a month of your Spotify subscription, but think of the joy when Siri whispers, “You could’ve bought Bose instead.”

Apple Watch SE 3

The SE has always been the “starter pack” Apple Watch, and the SE 3 doesn’t change that. It’s for people who want to close rings without closing their checking account. Apple’s pitch boils down to: “All the style, half the features, and just enough to make your Fitbit-wearing friends feel poor.” A true middle-class flex, now in aluminum.

Apple Watch Ultra 3

The Ultra line exists for exactly two groups: ultramarathoners who track VO₂ max for sport, and tech bros who think walking to Sweetgreen counts as an “expedition.” The Ultra 3 adds brighter screens, tougher materials, and a battery that lasts long enough to remind you you’re not actually outdoorsy. If you’ve ever googled “best Patagonia fleece for Zoom calls,” this is your watch.

Apple Watch Series 11

The Series 11 is Apple’s annual reminder that your body is a subscription service. “Groundbreaking health insights” this year allegedly include hydration levels, stress tracking, and possibly the ability to nag you about skipping therapy. It’s like carrying a tiny life coach on your wrist, except instead of encouragement it gives you push notifications that say, “You need electrolytes and a personality.”

iPhone 17

Every fall, Apple releases a new iPhone and acts like it reinvented gravity. The iPhone 17 is thinner, faster, and made with enough recycled aluminum to make Elon Musk jealous. Apple brags about camera upgrades, which means your brunch photos will look just as bad, only in higher definition. The real innovation? Convincing you to trade in your perfectly good iPhone 16 for the low price of your dignity plus $999.

iPhone Air

Meet the iPhone Air: lighter than your attention span and thinner than your excuses for not switching to Android. Apple claims this “breakthrough design” makes it more portable, which is just marketing speak for “we shaved 3 grams and called it innovation.” Expect influencers to rave about how you can barely feel it in your pocket—right up until it slips out and cracks on the sidewalk like a soufflé.

iPhone 17 Pro & Pro Max

These are the crown jewels of the keynote, with enough processing power to rival NASA while still being used 90% of the time for TikTok. The 17 Pro and Pro Max have cameras so advanced they could direct a Marvel movie, though you’ll probably use them to photograph your cat. Starting at $1,299, these phones are proof that Apple has mastered the art of charging you for features you didn’t know you needed, like 4D dynamic shading or cinematic depth-of-field selfies.

Final Thought: Event Highlights, or Just Another “Awe-Dropping” Oxford Comma?

Let’s be real: Apple’s annual “Awe-Dropping” event today was chock-full of predictable marvels. The iPhone Air made its debut as the thinnest, most titanium-fangled iPhone yet—just 5.6 mm of mirror-finished wizardry that practically begs you to drop it in public purely for the shock value. Meanwhile, the iPhone 17 lineup got modest updates—ProMotion displays, dazzling cameras, and that new N1 networking chip. All sleek, all shiny, but let’s not kid ourselves: still just phones with Apple stickers.

On the watch front, Apple tried to sell you fitness drama with satellite SOS, blood pressure alerts, and watches that “help you even when you’re too lazy to leave your couch." And AirPods Pro 3? Now they can translate your dog’s barks and read your heartbeat while blocking out your ugly boss’s small talk

But here’s the kicker: despite all the metal, silicon, and hype, Apple barely whispered “AI”. Sure, there was mention of live translation and some AI-powered smarts buried backstage, but not one heroic Siri moment or bold generative AI reveal to make Google or Samsung do a spit take

So how’d it go? Picture a glitzy spectacle where Apple shows off its shiny toys, gives just enough tech upgrades to justify your credit card cramp, and leaves the AI party hanging in the back. It’s like getting a cake with all the toppings—except the crumbs of innovation you actually wanted got swapped for a fancy cake stand.