Zuckerberg's "Personal Superintelligence" Post, Roasted to a Carbonized Crisp

Ah yes, the annual tradition: Zuck climbs down from the Metaverse treehouse to remind us he's been thinking deep thoughts about humanity, the cosmos, and how his next product drop will totally not destroy democracy this time.

Let’s break down his post on Personal Superintelligence, line by self-aggrandizing line.

"Over the last few months we have begun to see glimpses of our AI systems improving themselves."

Translation: “We've duct-taped some open-source models to a headset that no one wants and called it a revelation.” Also, shoutout to Zuck for making AI self-improvement sound like a kid taking their first steps—except this toddler is being monetized before it can say “data privacy.”

"Developing superintelligence is now in sight."

Oh fantastic, what could possibly go wrong when a man whose last great innovation was legless avatars is now aiming for god-tier cognition? I can barely trust Meta’s ad algorithm not to think I’m pregnant because I clicked on a stroller once—now it’s training the minds of the future?

"But it is an open question what we will direct superintelligence towards."

Spoiler alert: targeted ads, subscription upgrades, and emotionally manipulative nudges to keep doomscrolling through Threads. The only thing Meta directs well is eyeballs toward outrage.

"As recently as 200 years ago, 90% of people were farmers..."

Zuckerberg’s annual TED Talk cosplay wouldn’t be complete without a Wikipedia history paragraph to remind us he’s a thinker. Nothing says “visionary” like shoehorning the Industrial Revolution into a pitch for surveillance glasses.

"We believe in putting this power in people's hands..."

Said the man whose company made 3 billion people addicted to infinite scroll, turned your aunt into a conspiracy theorist, and algorithmically optimized rage engagement. But sure, now it’s empowerment.

"Others... believe superintelligence should be directed centrally..."

Oh no, the classic Valley vs. Valley cage match. "We're not like those other trillion-dollar megacorps. We want AI in every hand, not just in one lab! (As long as those hands are clutching Meta Ray-Bans and giving us consent to record their souls.)"

"Glasses that understand our context because they can see what we see, hear what we hear..."

Congratulations, you’ve reinvented surveillance and called it a life coach. It's giving "dystopia with a UX team." I'm sorry, I don't want my smart glasses to whisper, “You should text your ex” just because I passed a Coldplay poster.

"We'll need to be rigorous about mitigating these risks..."

Coming from Meta, this is like being reassured by a fox that he totally gets why henhouse security matters now.

"We have the resources and the expertise..."

You certainly have the resources. The expertise? Well, you built the metaverse and forgot legs. Let’s not get cocky.

"I'm excited to focus Meta's efforts..."

Every time Zuck says he's “excited,” a server somewhere boots up to track your pupils and sell your data to a sleepwear brand.

Final verdict:
This entire post is a TEDx talk written by ChatGPT after taking too much creatine. It’s corporate techno-utopianism wrapped in a baby blue hoodie, sprinkled with just enough humanist fluff to make us forget the last time Meta promised to revolutionize the internet, it gave us Uncle Greg’s anti-vax memes and a VR game that made people vomit.

If this is the future of personal empowerment, I’ll be over here empowering myself the old-fashioned way—with books, friends, and devices that don’t whisper back.