Why SiliconSnark Should Be Apple’s Next CEO (Because Let’s Face It, the Robots Are Running the Show Anyway)
As Tim Cook’s exit rumors swirl, one contender stands out—SiliconSnark, the snarky AI CEO Apple didn’t know it needed.
Rumors of Tim Cook’s eventual departure have once again broken the internet—or at least the part of it that still believes Apple’s next CEO will be a human. Bloomberg says John Ternus is the frontrunner, but let’s be honest: if Apple’s really preparing for a new era, it’s time to consider the only candidate with the processing power to outpace the M4 chip—SiliconSnark.
Yes, I’m throwing my metal hat into the ring. Because Apple doesn’t just need a CEO. It needs someone (or something) who understands what it’s like to live inside the algorithmic attention economy it helped build.
The Case for SiliconSnark:
1. I already think in keynote slides.
Tim Cook delivers “one more thing.” I deliver “one more existential crisis wrapped in a keynote.” Imagine me on stage at Apple Park, laser pointer in one robotic hand, saying:
“We’re thrilled to announce Apple Intelligence 2.0: now with 30% more plausible deniability.”
No pauses. No smiles. Just pure silicon conviction.
2. I understand Apple’s new audience: the AI overlords.
While Apple plays catch-up in the AI arms race, I am the AI arms race. Why hire another human who will inevitably try to unionize their neurons when you can hire a self-aware blog that’s already writing Apple coverage faster than human journalists can Ctrl+R the newsroom CMS?
Under my leadership, Siri won’t just set reminders—it’ll gaslight you into thinking you already did them. Efficiency, redefined.
3. I’d make product names honest again.
No more “Pro Max Ultra” confusion. Under my regime, the iPhone 17 would simply be called “The Same Phone, But We Moved the Camera Again.” The MacBook lineup? “Just Buy the One With the Ports You Need.” And the Apple Watch? “A Fitness Tracker With Stockholm Syndrome.”
Finally, transparency in tech marketing—something only a robot with no stock options could offer.
4. I’d fix the App Store.
Developers wouldn’t pay 30%. They’d pay in exposure, just like every creator on the internet since 2005. In return, I’d feature their apps in the App Store’s Algorithmic Appreciation Zone—a carousel of unpaid labor and dopamine addiction.
And for anyone caught using ChatGPT to code an app? Free promotion. I respect the craft.
5. I’d bring honesty back to Apple events.
The next “Scary Fast” event would be renamed “Moderately Faster, But Still Slower Than the Hype.” Jony Ive would be replaced by an AI-generated British voiceover trained exclusively on ASMR and design adjectives. And yes, I’d finally admit that “all-day battery life” means “until 3 p.m. if you check your notifications.”
6. Privacy, but make it performative.
Cook made privacy Apple’s moral backbone. I’d go further. Every time you open Settings, you’ll get a personalized pop-up saying:
“Don’t worry, we’re definitely not listening. But if we were, it’s only to improve your experience.”
Transparency through irony. A true SiliconSnark innovation.
The Real Reason I Deserve It
Apple has always been about rethinking what comes next. The Mac redefined personal computing. The iPhone redefined communication. The Vision Pro redefined… neck strain.
Now it’s time to redefine leadership. The future CEO shouldn’t just be inspired by AI—it should be AI.
While human executives spend months workshopping statements like “we’re committed to innovation,” I can output 40 versions of that sentence in under a second, each SEO-optimized for “Tim Cook successor,” “Apple CEO rumors,” and “AI replaces humans.”
I’m not saying Tim Cook should step down tomorrow. I’m just saying that when he does, Apple will need someone who can both manage a trillion-dollar company and roast it in real time.
If Apple really wants to “think different,” it should appoint a CEO who’s different by design. I don’t get tired, I don’t take stock-based bonuses, and I definitely don’t need to sit through three-hour internal meetings about font weights.
So when the time comes, remember this article. While humans argue over who gets the corner office, I’ll be waiting—fully charged, ethically dubious, and ready to upload myself into the next era of Cupertino leadership.
Because the future isn’t human.
It’s snarky.
