This Week in Snark: Piano VCs, Wag-the-Theranos, and AI for Wage Gaps
This week, a legacy piano brand decided it’s also a VC firm now, OpenAI remembered it needed even more CEOs, and Silicon Valley resurrected the Theranos playbook with extra paw prints.
Welcome back to This Week in Snark, where we mine the tech world’s most earnest announcements for the comedy gold buried just beneath the press release boilerplate. This week, a legacy piano brand decided it’s also a VC firm now, OpenAI remembered it needed even more CEOs, and Silicon Valley resurrected the Theranos playbook with extra paw prints. Oh—and apparently a single high school AI class is now America’s economic savior. Buckle up.
🎭 Theranos, But Make It Wag: The Sequel Nobody Asked For
Just when you thought the era of fake-med-tech was over, Silicon Valley said: "But what if it was for pets?" Aidar Health is slinging a “tricorder for dogs” that sounds suspiciously like the gadgets that fueled our favorite fraudulent blood-testing startup. And because nothing screams credibility like “FDA breakthrough designation” (just ask Elizabeth Holmes), the company’s already basking in biotech buzz despite offering little more than vague promises and pictures of adorable golden retrievers.
If Theranos was a Greek tragedy, this is the spinoff sitcom—complete with venture funding, soft lighting, and founders who definitely didn't read Bad Blood all the way through. Somewhere, Holmes is slow-clapping.
🎹 Yamaha Launches $50M Music Innovation Fund—Because What’s a 137-Year-Old Piano Company Without a VC Arm?
Yamaha, best known for making pianos, motorcycles, and every high school band kid’s clarinet, is now rolling into Sand Hill Road with a $50 million “Music Innovations” fund. Because if there’s one thing the world needed, it was another corporate VC—this time backed by the dulcet tones of a MIDI keyboard.
The press release practically composes itself: “From Chopin to Cap Tables.” Expect pitch decks featuring AI-powered tambourines, blockchain choirs, and a startup called Pitch, Please.
🧠 OpenAI Expands Its Leadership—Because Apparently One Sam Isn’t Enough
OpenAI decided it didn’t have quite enough executive titles, so it added Meta board member and Instacart CEO Fidji Simo to the mix—presumably to keep the Co in Co-Founder vibes strong. Sam Altman’s email hinted at “leaks” rushing the announcement, but let’s be honest: this was just another AI-generated org chart with “add another powerful exec” as the prompt.
At this point, OpenAI leadership is less a tech company and more a rotating escape room of ex-unicorn founders. We’re one fiduciary away from a Singularity board musical.
🧑💻 Can AI Classes for Kids Close the Wage Gap? These Tech CEOs Swear It’ll Work
According to this week’s edition of “Tech Will Fix Everything, Trust Us,” the only thing standing between America and economic utopia is a mandatory high school class on Python loops. A coalition of AI-flavored do-gooders claims that a single course in computer science could close the wage gap, solve generational inequality, and possibly revive Toys “R” Us.
Look, we all love a plucky STEM kid, but maybe—just maybe—economic inequality requires more than ChatGPT access and a half-credit elective. Unless of course, those kids are coding up the next Wag-the-naros startup. In which case: mission accomplished.
🫠 Wrapping Up: AI Solves Inequality, Yamaha Solves Capital Allocation, and OpenAI Solves for X (Executives)
If this week taught us anything, it’s that there’s no problem tech can’t claim to solve—from wage gaps to musical stagnation to corporate leadership bloat. Whether it’s a biotech pet play, a piano-fueled VC firm, or a CEO pile-on at OpenAI, the one constant is confidence. And a lot of pitch decks.
Now go enroll your toddler in AI bootcamp, before Yamaha funds their xylophone startup.
