This Week in Snark: From Citi’s AI World Tour to Anthropic’s $13B Sovereign Wealth Flex

Welcome back to This Week in Snark, your brutally honest digest of what passed for “innovation” over the last seven days in tech, finance, and whatever happens when marketing departments accidentally discover AI prompt boxes. Buckle up: between Citi exporting its AI sidekick to 80 markets, Polymarket sneaking back into the U.S., and Anthropic raising $13 billion to cosplay as a sovereign wealth fund, there’s enough corporate jargon here to power a WeWork IPO roadshow.

Citi AI Expands to 80 Markets: Because Nothing Says “Innovation” Like Automating Your Expense Report

Citi proudly announced that its proprietary AI is now live in 80 markets, which is a polite way of saying “we’ve trained a chatbot to tell you that your Uber receipt doesn’t match your expense policy.”

The expansion includes Israel, Mexico, the Philippines, and Switzerland—clearly chosen because no international bank has ever gotten into regulatory hot water in those countries. With 175,000 colleagues now “empowered” by AI, expect more glowing PowerPoints about “efficiency gains” while actual customers wonder why it still takes three business days to clear a check.

Polymarket’s U.S. Return: Prediction Markets, Politics, and Profits Collide

The CFTC has decided that prediction markets like Polymarket can once again play in the U.S.—because clearly, what American democracy needed most was a DraftKings for elections.

Polymarket now lets you bet on everything from who wins the White House to whether Taylor Swift’s tour will finally collapse the U.S. GDP. Critics call it gambling on democracy; defenders call it “liquid democracy with optional rug pulls.”

The optics are wild: a casino-meets-Capitol-Hill aesthetic where civic duty meets degenerate trading. At least this time, it’s regulated… until someone bets $10 million that Congress remembers how to pass a budget.

ARCAM Radia+ Amps: Proof That Music Tech Can Still Sound Good Without an Algorithm

Not every headline this week was about AI or blockchain. ARCAM decided to remind us that music tech can still be about, you know, actual sound. Their new Radia+ amplifiers—A5+, A15+, and A25+—launched at CEDIA Expo with upgraded circuitry, next-gen Bluetooth, and designs sleek enough to make audiophiles briefly forget about their vinyl-pressing side hustles.

While most tech companies are busy shoving AI DJs into your Spotify playlists, ARCAM is doubling down on what matters: amps that deliver clean sound without trying to predict your mood. Refreshing, really.

Anthropic’s $13B Series F: AI, Meet Sovereign Wealth Funds

Anthropic raised a casual $13 billion at a $183 billion valuation, because apparently we’ve all decided AI companies should be valued somewhere between Apple and the GDP of Portugal.

The round was led by ICONIQ, Fidelity, and Lightspeed, with sovereign wealth funds from Qatar, Singapore, and your aunt’s 401(k) probably mixed in there too.

If OpenAI is the nonprofit that isn’t, Anthropic is the for-profit that feels like a geopolitical chess piece. Investors aren’t just betting on Claude writing your emails; they’re betting that governments will soon need “strategic AI partnerships” as urgently as they need oil reserves.

In other words: Anthropic has officially become the hottest sovereign wealth fund in town, complete with a chatbot that apologizes when it hallucinates your balance sheet.

Figure Technology Solutions IPO: Because Wall Street Needed a Blockchain Buzzword Fix

Speaking of balance sheets, Figure Technology Solutions (aka “Figure”) finally hit the IPO button. Their prospectus was basically Mad Libs for fintech: “blockchain-powered,” “lending platform,” and “market-leading innovation.”

The company priced shares at $18–$20, because clearly Nasdaq missed having a good old-fashioned blockchain stock to pump. With 26 million shares on the table, bankers are hoping retail investors still haven’t learned the difference between “AI,” “crypto,” and “Ponzi-adjacent.”

The funniest part? Figure’s products are named things like “DART” and “YLDS,” which sound less like financial innovations and more like rejected names for Elon Musk’s next kid.

Vacabee Brings “Mr. Bee” to Dortmund: AI Lifestyle Management Buzz

And then there’s Vacabee, the AI “lifestyle management” startup that introduced its cheerful mascot, Mr. Bee, in Dortmund. Yes, you read that right: a literal bee is here to manage your calendar, optimize your life, and sting you with reminders about wellness goals.

If Citi AI is corporate beige and Anthropic AI is a sovereign wealth flex, Vacabee is Saturday morning cartoons for your productivity stack. The company insists Mr. Bee will make life simpler, but if history has taught us anything, it’s that AI mascots always end up monetizing your honey supply.

Big Picture: AI Everywhere, Except Where It’s Useful

So what did we learn this week?

• Banks are rolling out AI assistants to automate expense reports instead of fixing wire transfer delays.
• Prediction markets are making politics feel like sports betting (as if it didn’t already).
• Music tech is proving that amplifiers can still matter more than recommendation engines.
• Sovereign wealth funds have decided AI startups are the new oil fields.
• Wall Street is once again mainlining blockchain buzzwords like it’s 2017.
• And lifestyle management has gone full Pixar with a talking bee.

The common thread? Whether it’s finance, politics, music, or daily life, the AI-industrial complex is expanding faster than Citi’s compliance disclaimers. But in the middle of all that hype, ARCAM’s amplifiers are the week’s quiet reminder: sometimes technology should just work instead of talk back.