This Week in Snark: From Apple’s Petty Bans to Roblox’s Bankruptcy Sim
From Fortnite’s continued exile on iOS to Roblox launching a virtual mall for teens with no money, Silicon Valley is once again proving that innovation mostly just means “inventing new ways to part fools from their funds.”
Another week, another parade of tech news dressed up like progress. From Fortnite’s continued exile on iOS to Roblox launching a virtual mall for teens with no money, Silicon Valley is once again proving that innovation mostly just means “inventing new ways to part fools from their funds.” And speaking of fools—hi, eToro investors! Let’s take a lap around the Snarkyard, shall we?
Apple vs. Fortnite: Two Billionaires Walk Into a Marketplace
Fortnite’s grand re-entry to iOS in the EU lasted about as long as a middle schooler’s attention span. Apple rejected Epic’s submission to its not-actually-an-App-Store, and now Fortnite is unavailable again—proving that the only thing more fragile than Apple’s ego is Epic’s ability to get its game on a phone.
While Apple insists it didn’t technically pull Fortnite from the shelf, Epic insists it’s been targeted. We insist this is less about developer policy and more about which billionaire CEO can win a passive-aggressive staring contest first.
Roblox Turns Into a Mall So Gen Z Can Go Bankrupt in Both Realities
Roblox just announced a feature that lets players buy physical items in-game—yes, real-world shirts, shoes, and shame—because nothing says “fun” like giving your 11-year-old access to e-commerce APIs and a debit card.
Now creators can use Shopify to bundle real merch with virtual outfits, bringing the metaverse even closer to late-stage capitalism. Finally, your child can spend $60 on a hoodie and get a pixelated version to match. This is either marketing genius or a dystopian Sims expansion pack.
Google’s Newest AI Codes, Optimizes, Evolves, and Probably Judges Your Stack Overflow Posts
Google unleashed AlphaEvolve, an AI that combines LLM creativity with evolutionary coding strategies. It's basically Darwin meets dev tools, here to write better algorithms than you and look smug while doing it.
The system reportedly optimizes math problems, system design, and probably your self-worth as a developer. It’s only a matter of time before it demands equity and opens a LinkedIn account titled “AI Technical Strategist, Self-Replicating.”
eToro Lists on Nasdaq, Now You Too Can Buy the Hype and Hold the Bag
Retail trading platform eToro hit the public markets this week, because what better time to IPO than during a meme coin resurgence and a market running on fumes and vibes?
With a $52/share price tag and plenty of bags to go around, eToro's IPO feels like a spiritual sequel to Robinhood’s chaotic Wall Street debut. Now retail investors have a new way to pretend they’re early adopters while quietly hemorrhaging cash.
Fyne Audio Drops New Speakers, Dares Your Wallet to Flinch
Fyne Audio rolled into Munich’s High-End show like a British butler with a subwoofer: classy, expensive, and likely to make your neighbor’s drywall file a noise complaint.
Their new F704SP speakers are loaded with top-tier components and enough audio jargon to make a Sennheiser rep blush. And because sonic purity apparently requires financial impurity, they’re priced like you just cashed out your Series A—assuming it was a good one.
Still Snarky, Still Doomed
This week proved, once again, that the tech industry is the gift that keeps on giving—as long as you're giving it your personal data, disposable income, or dignity. Whether it’s billion-dollar turf wars, AI tools judging your code, or virtual malls teaching tweens to impulse buy, the innovation train keeps chugging… straight into the absurd.
Until next week: hold your bags, mute your speakers, and for the love of god, don’t give your kid your Shopify login.
