Figure Technology Solutions IPO: Because Wall Street Finally Needed a Blockchain Buzzword Fix
Figure Technology Solutions launches its Nasdaq IPO under ticker FIGR, blending blockchain buzzwords with $16B in real home equity loans.
Deals
CrowdStrike Buys to Give Your Data Pipeline Needed an Ego Boost
CrowdStrike’s acquisition of Onum promises “agentic AI SOC transformation” and real-time pipeline clairvoyance, but underneath the buzzwords it’s really a fancy funnel for logs with a marketing glow-up.
Taxpayers Now Own a Piece of Intel—Enjoy Your Discounted Shares of Mediocrity
Intel and Trump strike an $8.9 billion deal giving taxpayers a nearly 10% stake in Intel—critics call it a bailout disguised as semiconductor leadership.
Inside Amphenol’s $1B Trexon Deal: High-Reliability Cables and Low-Reliability Promises
Amphenol buys Trexon for $1B cash, proves cables are hotter than AI while setting a record for the world’s longest forward-looking statement.
Cohere Raises $500M to Make Your Boss Think “Agentic AI” Is a Thing They Understand
Cohere just raised $500M at a $6.8B valuation to unleash “agentic AI” on the enterprise world. The goal? Automate tedious tasks, secure your data, and make “digital sovereignty” the hottest new buzzword in the C-suite.
Clay Raises $100M to Make Marketing Feel Like Coding—Because Spam is Better When It’s Programmatic
Clay raises $100M to turn AI-powered sales automation into a coding playground for marketing teams.
Bureaucracy, But Make It Cloud-Native: EQT and CPP Acquire NEOGOV
EQT and CPP Investments acquire public-sector SaaS firm NEOGOV to modernize HR compliance—with all the excitement of a digital W-4.