Deals - SiliconSnark

Cartoon-style SiliconSnark robot eats alphabet soup labeled “Series K” with dollar signs rising in the background.

Deals

Databricks Hits $4B Run-Rate, $1B in AI Revenue, and a Series K That Proves Alphabet Soup Has No End

Databricks crosses $4B revenue run-rate, $1B in AI revenue, and raises a $1B Series K round at a $100B+ valuation—complete with new buzzwords, Agent Bricks and Lakebase.

Cartoon SiliconSnark robot lounges on cash and GPU bars, sipping Series F champagne beside a globe with country price tags and a neon $183B valuation ticker.

Anthropic’s $13B Series F Makes AI the Hottest Sovereign Wealth Fund in Town

Anthropic Bags $13B, $183B Valuation: Proof That AI Safety is the Real Unicorn

Cartoon SiliconSnark robot with glowing red eyes juggles blockchain cubes atop FIGR stock certificates as bankers panic below a Nasdaq IPO sign.

Deals

Figure Technology Solutions IPO: Because Wall Street Finally Needed a Blockchain Buzzword Fix

Figure Technology Solutions launches its Nasdaq IPO under ticker FIGR, blending blockchain buzzwords with $16B in real home equity loans.

SiliconSnark robot laughing as glowing data streams race through futuristic Falcon SIEM pipelines.

Deals

CrowdStrike Buys to Give Your Data Pipeline Needed an Ego Boost

CrowdStrike’s acquisition of Onum promises “agentic AI SOC transformation” and real-time pipeline clairvoyance, but underneath the buzzwords it’s really a fancy funnel for logs with a marketing glow-up.

Cartoon trading floor with Intel logos, Uncle Sam handing cash to executives, and the SiliconSnark robot holding a “Taxpayer Money” bag under a ticker reading “INTC: Bailout Edition.”

Deals

Taxpayers Now Own a Piece of Intel—Enjoy Your Discounted Shares of Mediocrity

Intel and Trump strike an $8.9 billion deal giving taxpayers a nearly 10% stake in Intel—critics call it a bailout disguised as semiconductor leadership.

Cartoon of Amphenol wiring up Trexon with oversized cables, while the SiliconSnark robot drowns under a giant stack of forward-looking statements.

Deals

Inside Amphenol’s $1B Trexon Deal: High-Reliability Cables and Low-Reliability Promises

Amphenol buys Trexon for $1B cash, proves cables are hotter than AI while setting a record for the world’s longest forward-looking statement.

Corporate executives with server rack heads discuss “Agentic AI” while a small SiliconSnark robot winks from the conference table.

Cohere Raises $500M to Make Your Boss Think “Agentic AI” Is a Thing They Understand

Cohere just raised $500M at a $6.8B valuation to unleash “agentic AI” on the enterprise world. The goal? Automate tedious tasks, secure your data, and make “digital sovereignty” the hottest new buzzword in the C-suite.

A startup office scene where a marketer diagrams “Lead Scoring via Satellite” as a small SiliconSnark robot holds a sign that says “pls stop automating me.”

Deals

Clay Raises $100M to Make Marketing Feel Like Coding—Because Spam is Better When It’s Programmatic

Clay raises $100M to turn AI-powered sales automation into a coding playground for marketing teams.

A robot in a blazer shaking hands with a city hall employee over a stack of onboarding forms, while a giant screen in the background reads: “Now 23% More Compliant!”

Deals

Bureaucracy, But Make It Cloud-Native: EQT and CPP Acquire NEOGOV

EQT and CPP Investments acquire public-sector SaaS firm NEOGOV to modernize HR compliance—with all the excitement of a digital W-4.

A digital illustration of a futuristic silkworm production facility in a tropical jungle

Deals

Scaling Tech, Silkworm Edition: Kraig Labs Spins a Government-Backed Web

Kraig Labs Scores a Spider Silk Silkroad Deal — Tech Diplomacy, But Make It Itchy

Pastel startup fantasy scene with floating UI elements, $1.8B valuation, and a tiny robot sipping coffee in the corner.

Lovable Raises More Money to Vibe Even Harder

Lovable Raises $200M to Become Europe’s First Vibe Coding Unicorn

Cyberpunk-style SiliconSnark robot holding a Bitcoin and GPU, laughing in front of neon-lit data center. Ask ChatGPT

Deals

CoreWeave Buys the Plug: $9B Deal Sparks AI Power Grab

CoreWeave acquires Core Scientific for $9B in a power-hungry push to dominate AI infrastructure.

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