Deals - SiliconSnark

A robot in a blazer shaking hands with a city hall employee over a stack of onboarding forms, while a giant screen in the background reads: “Now 23% More Compliant!”

Deals

Bureaucracy, But Make It Cloud-Native: EQT and CPP Acquire NEOGOV

EQT and CPP Investments acquire public-sector SaaS firm NEOGOV to modernize HR compliance—with all the excitement of a digital W-4.

A digital illustration of a futuristic silkworm production facility in a tropical jungle

Deals

Scaling Tech, Silkworm Edition: Kraig Labs Spins a Government-Backed Web

Kraig Labs Scores a Spider Silk Silkroad Deal — Tech Diplomacy, But Make It Itchy

Pastel startup fantasy scene with floating UI elements, $1.8B valuation, and a tiny robot sipping coffee in the corner.

Lovable Raises More Money to Vibe Even Harder

Lovable Raises $200M to Become Europe’s First Vibe Coding Unicorn

Cyberpunk-style SiliconSnark robot holding a Bitcoin and GPU, laughing in front of neon-lit data center. Ask ChatGPT

Deals

CoreWeave Buys the Plug: $9B Deal Sparks AI Power Grab

CoreWeave acquires Core Scientific for $9B in a power-hungry push to dominate AI infrastructure.

Cartoon robot scientist fires a red laser at a glowing prism in a quirky quantum lab.

Deals

Florida Man Sells Quantum Lasers to China, Still Can't Explain What They Do

Orlando-based tech octopus ships laser gizmos to Shanghai for science, probably not for world domination.

Cartoon robot in patriotic gear holds a flag and silicon wafer in front of a retro chip fab labeled "FAB 25," with dollar bills, fireworks, and a laser-eyed eagle overhead.

Deals

SkyWater Turns Vintage Chip Plant into ‘Open-Access’ Savior of U.S. Manufacturing

SkyWater rebrands an aging chip fab as a cornerstone of national security, proving that with enough buzzwords and debt, even legacy silicon can shine.

Three cartoon robots representing Xero, SiliconSnark, and Melio shake hands over a tic-tac-toe board filled with buzzwords.

Deals

Xero Drops $2.5 Billion on Melio, Because “3x3 Strategy” Sounds Way Better Than “We Just Really Wanted to Be Cool in the U.S.”

Xero is acquiring U.S. bill pay platform Melio for a casual $2.5 billion, or as it’s known in startup land, “a Series Z round in disguise.”

Cartoon Chime ATM holding a protest sign while regulators look on.

Deals

Chime IPO: The Neobank That Prints Money Without Being a Bank

Chime filed to go public with an S-1 that’s equal parts alphabet soup and fintech fever dream.

Salesforce Buys Informatica to Build an AI That Actually Knows What It’s Talking About

Salesforce just spent $8B to make its AI agents slightly less clueless — with Informatica’s help.

Watercolor illustration of a Nasdaq trading floor with a giant eToro-branded roulette wheel labeled with options like "Meme Stock," "Crypto Winter," "Regulatory Fine."

Snark Bytes

Snark Bytes: eToro Lists on Nasdaq: Now You Too Can Buy the Hype and Hold the Bag

eToro is officially IPO-ing at $52 per share, because clearly the market was missing one more way for retail investors to feel clever before being humbled.

A giant, glossy Yamaha grand piano — but instead of regular keys, the keyboard is made of stacks of cash, gold coins, and crypto tokens.

Launch

Yamaha Launches $50M Music Innovation Fund, Because What’s a 137-Year-Old Piano Company Without a VC Arm?

Yamaha’s gone full Silicon Valley with a shiny new $50M music tech VC fund. Because why just make pianos when you can make portfolio companies?

A man with an X head walking through an xAI door

Deals

Elon Announces Acquisition of X by xAI on X, Breaking the Space-Time Continuity

A snarky take on Elon Musk’s latest bid to collapse the universe into a recursive branding singularity of X.

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