Launch
Visa Launches USDC Settlement in the U.S., Five Years After Everyone Else
Visa is settling in USDC over blockchains, offering seven-day settlement. It’s a real milestone—just one crypto solved years ago.
Crypto
Launch
SoFi Crypto Trading Launches: The First National Bank Where You Can Save, Spend, and Ape Into Bitcoin
SoFi Bank becomes the first FDIC-insured, nationally chartered bank to launch crypto trading for consumers. Here’s what it means for crypto, banking, and the future of regulated speculation — with a dash of SiliconSnark’s signature satire.
Deals
Nextech3D.ai Buys Eventdex for $700K: A Tiny Deal With Big Jokes About Bold Fonts and Blockchain Tickets
Nextech3D.ai acquires Eventdex for $700K in cash. Snarky breakdown of blockchain ticketing, bold-font press releases, and why this deal matters.
Crypto
Polymarket’s U.S. Return: Prediction Markets, Politics, and Profits Collide
Polymarket secures CFTC approval to re-enter the U.S., reigniting debates over prediction markets as financial tools or digital casinos.
Crypto
Kanye West’s Meme Coin Disaster: The YZY Token Pump, Dump, and Fan Exploitation
Kanye West crypto hypocrisy: said coins prey on fans, then launched one anyway.
Satire
$SNARK Price Prediction: A Completely Made-Up Forecast for Our Favorite Meme Coin
A satirical $SNARK coin price prediction mocking bogus crypto forecasts with absurd 1-month to 10-year “analyses” based entirely on nonsense.
Launch
Marquess Core AI Promises 700% Returns, 1000% Vibes
Marquess School Global claims its new Core AI can deliver 700% crypto returns with radical transparency—because nothing says trust like algorithmic fortune-telling.
Crypto
Pump.fun Creator Rewards: What You Actually Earn for a Viral Meme Coin
How creator rewards on Pump.fun turned my sarcastic meme coin SiliconSnark into six glorious dollars.
Crypto
Trump’s Crypto Wallet Is Here. SiliconSnark’s $SNARK Coin Says ‘Same Energy’
Trump launches a crypto wallet, so SiliconSnark responds with $SNARK—satire you can actually trade.
Deals
eToro Lists on Nasdaq: Now You Too Can Buy the Hype and Hold the Bag
eToro is officially IPO-ing at $52 per share, because clearly the market was missing one more way for retail investors to feel clever before being humbled.
Crypto
Worldcoin Wants Your Eyeballs — And They’re Bringing 7,500 Orbs to Get Them
World, the company behind Worldcoin, has officially launched in the U.S., unleashing a horde of “Orbs” — those sci-fi metallic beach balls that scan your eyeballs to confirm you’re a real person.
This Week in Snark
This Week in Snark: Cables, Coins, Close Your Rings, and Cyberattacks
Welcome back to This Week in Snark, your weekly field guide to the absurdities of the tech-industrial hype complex.