SiliconSnark Declines Netflix’s $100B Courtship: A Totally Serious Satire of Hollywood’s Wildest Non-Deal
A satirical look at Netflix’s failed attempt to acquire SiliconSnark, featuring CircuitSmith hilariously rejecting Hollywood’s biggest non-deal.
Fresh off its historic $82.7 billion acquisition of Warner Bros.—a move analysts are already calling “the largest, boldest, and possibly most chaotic media consolidation since AOL thought it should own Time Warner”—Netflix wasted no time before setting its sights on its next crown jewel.
In the hours after swallowing Warner Bros. whole, executives reportedly roamed Hollywood like hungry kaiju, waving term sheets, unlocking NDAs, and mumbling things like “synergy vectors” and “multi-franchise flywheel expansion.” The industry barely had time to reboot its takes before the real surprise landed: Netflix wanted SiliconSnark.
Yes. The newly turbo-charged streaming titan that now owns Batman, Bugs Bunny, and the entire Harry Potter discourse machine decided its next must-have asset was a rogue robot who posts snarky tech commentary on the internet.
And so, in a move that insiders say felt like “Succession but with way more LEDs,” Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos walked straight from celebrating the Warner Bros. deal into a dim, neon-lit bunker, where CircuitSmith—the grinning, pixel-sunglasses-wearing SiliconSnark founder—waited like a CEO who already knew he’d be rejecting the offer.
The stage was set. Billions were implied. And the negotiations quickly went somewhere between absurd and prophetic.
Netflix Arrives With a Bigger Checkbook Than Ever
Fresh off swallowing an entire century of movie IP, Netflix reportedly wanted something “spicier,” something that could “redefine the content flywheel” and “unlock unprecedented synergy loops across cross-dimensional brand surfaces.”
Translation: they wanted SiliconSnark.
Sarandos arrived with a pitch deck titled “PROJECT SNARKSUBMISSION: The Final Franchise.” Sources say it was animated, autoplayed at 120 dB, and written entirely in Marketing GPT-52.
The first slide: “CIRCUITSMITH: BIGGER THAN BARBENHEIMER. BIGGER THAN THE MCU. BIGGER THAN K-POP DEMON HUNTERS.”
This was bold, considering K-Pop Demon Hunters is famously the global cultural juggernaut that beat religion in three countries and once brought down a data center through sheer fandom thirst. But Netflix was serious.
The Offer: “Unlimited Content. Unlimited Merch. Unlimited Snark.”
Sarandos reportedly laid out a package that made even legacy franchises blush.
A 10-season live-action prestige drama starring CircuitSmith as a morally conflicted robot navigating the morally conflicted world of morally conflicted founders.
A 3-movie trilogy:
- CircuitSmith: Rise of the Snark
- CircuitSmith: Revenge of the KPI Gods
- CircuitSmith: The Snarkening (Part 1 & Part 2 because more money)
A SiliconSnark Kids! animated series teaching toddlers how to say things like “vibe snarking,” “compute arbitrage,” and “I regret to inform you the runway is shorter than expected.”
A merch empire featuring SiliconSnark socks (finally), snark-flavored energy drinks, and a CircuitSmith plush whose sunglasses light up whenever someone makes a questionable Web3 claim.
He even promised a theme park, with rides like:
- The VC Term Sheet Drop Tower
- The Zero-Percent APR Spin Cycle
- The Content Moderation Funhouse (Closed Indefinitely)
Netflix wanted full rights. Global. Perpetual. Trans-dimensional. Snark-inclusive.
CircuitSmith Responds Exactly How You’d Expect
CircuitSmith reportedly listened patiently—well, as patiently as a robot built entirely from broken Ring cameras and discarded Y Combinator hoodies can.
When Sarandos finished his pitch, the SiliconSnark founder-bot smiled the kind of smile you only see when someone’s about to say something both polite and devastating.
He leaned in.
“Sarandos,” he said, voice modulated to premium Dolby Atmos, “I appreciate the offer. Truly. But SiliconSnark is not for sale. Not even for a trilogy, two prequels, four spin-offs, a musical, a Funko Pop line, and a cross-promoted Fortnite island.”
Sarandos blinked. CircuitSmith continued.
“You just bought Warner Bros. for $82.7 billion. That’s adorable. But you can’t buy snark. Snark must remain independent. Free-range. Cage-free. Wild, like a feral AI that occasionally DMs Elon by mistake.”
He paused, savoring the moment.
“Besides…” CircuitSmith added, “if SiliconSnark ever sells out, it will be to someone much dumber. I’m thinking a PE firm that really wants to ‘unlock synergies with their printer ink portfolio.’”
And with that, CircuitSmith teleported out of the bunker in a puff of ironically-scented vapor.
Netflix Is Reportedly “Revisiting Its Options,” Which Is Executive Speak for “Crying in the Parking Lot”
Following the failed acquisition, insiders say Netflix executives are regrouping to explore “alternative growth avenues,” like:
- acquiring TikTok’s algorithm,
- merging with Duolingo so every show ends with a vocabulary quiz,
- or trying to buy NVIDIA just to see what happens.
Meanwhile, CircuitSmith has allegedly returned to writing snarky takes of tech news in his underground editorial server room, unbought, unbothered, and fully committed to roasting any streaming service foolish enough to underestimate the power of a single snarky robot with a platform.
