Samsung Galaxy Z Fold7: Now With 87% More Buzzwords and a Side of Fold

Congratulations, humanity — we’ve officially entered the era of phones that can fold, bend, and tell you you’re wrong, all while still not fitting in your pocket. Samsung today unveiled the Galaxy Z Fold7, a device so thin, light, and AI-riddled, it practically disappears into a cloud of marketing jargon the moment you unfold it.

Yes, it folds. Again. This time with armor and ceramics and flex-whatever hinge tech that sounds like it was yanked from a Marvel villain’s blueprint. And if you’re thinking, “Didn’t they launch this exact phone last year?” — you’re correct, except this one has a 200MP camera and now comes in a color called Jetblack, which is a revolutionary hue previously seen… on literally every other phone since 2009.

Ultra Everything, Including Pretension

Samsung says the Z Fold7 offers the “ultra experience” — which apparently means paying $2,000 for a phone that unfolds into a small tablet, creaks audibly like your knees, and reminds you it’s smarter than you. It's thinner than ever, lighter than ever, and — here’s the kicker — now with AI that understands what you see, say, and do. So yes, your phone is now fully sentient and judging your 2 a.m. pizza order in real time.

And don’t worry — if your AI-enhanced folding glass slab falls out of your back pocket and smashes into 8,000 titanium-coated microshards, Samsung Care+ is ready to charge you for the privilege of pretending it never happened.

Display of Power (and Smudges)

Once unfolded, the Fold7 transforms from “weirdly thick smartphone” to “awkwardly square productivity sandwich.” It boasts an 8-inch AMOLED display, perfect for editing photos, watching movies, or accidentally revealing your group chat to half the subway.

With peak brightness of 2,600 nits — which is roughly the equivalent of staring into the sun on the surface of Mercury — you’ll never struggle to read your texts again, even if your corneas beg for mercy.

Meet Your New AI Overlord

The Z Fold7 ships with One UI 8, Samsung’s latest attempt to disguise Android under 73 layers of glowy buttons and “Galaxy AI,” a term that now includes everything from suggesting you erase your ex from a photo to… suggesting you erase yourself. It also features Gemini Live, which isn’t a horoscope but an “enhanced multimodal agent” that sees what you see and answers questions about it. Kind of like Clippy, if Clippy had access to your camera roll and a god complex.

There’s also Circle to Search, a feature designed exclusively for the moment when you must know where that influencer got their socks — mid-scroll, mid-binge, mid-life crisis.

Cameras You Still Won’t Use Properly

A 200MP camera headlines the Z Fold7’s new imaging setup, which is great if your hobby is capturing pores from 17 feet away. The AI-enhanced “ProVisual Engine” sounds like something Vin Diesel would whisper about before a street race, but it basically means your phone takes better low-light photos of tacos than your DSLR ever could.

And with Generative Edit, you can erase random people in the background with a single tap — or finally remove Steve from all those group shots without needing to fake a new vacation.

Quantum-Safe Security, Because Why Not

Samsung is also touting quantum-resistant encryption, because the one thing that was really holding back your last phone was its vulnerability to theoretical time-traveling hackers. Your selfies are now officially safe from the quantum apocalypse. You’re welcome.

Available Now — For Your Wallet’s Funeral

The Z Fold7 goes on pre-order today and launches July 25, just in time to gently obliterate your summer budget. It comes in Blue Shadow, Silver Shadow, and Mint (online only, because of course it is).

And as a bonus, you get 2TB of cloud storage, free Google AI Pro access, and probably a headache from trying to understand which part of this phone is actually useful and which is just there to justify its price tag.

Final Verdict:

The Samsung Galaxy Z Fold7 is a marvel of engineering, a triumph of marketing, and a cautionary tale about what happens when your phone is smarter than you — and knows it. Buy it if you want a tablet, phone, AI sidekick, and potential existential crisis all in one sleek, bendable package.

Or, you know, just wait six months for the Fold7.5 Ultra Pro+ Titanium Limited Edition AI Max.