NVIDIA Prints $44 Billion and the Market Screams “Daddy!”

Gather round, civilians and semi-sentient AI agents alike — it’s that magical time again. No, not another Sam Altman-Jony Ive collab teaser trailer. We’re talking about earnings season, baby. And today’s high priest of spreadsheets is none other than NVIDIA, who just casually announced that they made $44.1 billion last quarter — which is roughly the GDP of a small European nation or the cost of a decent downtown parking spot in San Francisco.

Yes, this is only the second time SiliconSnark has dared to write about earnings. Why? Because most earnings press releases are like Ambien with a PDF attachment. But when NVIDIA reports, the entire global economy holds its breath — and then sprints to Robinhood like it’s a Supreme drop.

Numbers So Big They Sound Made Up

Let’s break it down:

• Revenue: $44.1B (up 69% YoY, because who doesn’t casually almost double revenue these days?)
• Data Center Revenue: $39.1B (aka “the AI bubble’s main artery”)
• Gaming Revenue: $3.8B, which is what’s left after ChatGPT ate your GPU.
• Profit: Somewhere between “a lot” and “please stop, we’re blushing.”

Oh, and they took a $4.5 billion charge because the U.S. government told them “no more GPUs for China,” prompting NVIDIA to say, “fine, we’ll just sell them to every AI startup pretending to cure loneliness.”

Also: Jensen Huang is still doing his best Steve Jobs cosplay while casually referring to NVIDIA’s AI chips as “thinking machines.” Because that’s definitely not terrifying.

After Hours Madness

Naturally, the stock spiked in after-hours trading — because investors saw “AI” mentioned more times than in a VC pitch deck and started foaming at the mouth. Expect your crypto bro cousin to text you at 11:47 p.m. with “$NVDA 🚀🚀🚀.”

Why You Should Care (Even If You Don’t Know What a GPU Is)

If you’re not in tech, you may be wondering: “Why does this matter to me?” Great question.

• Because NVIDIA’s earnings basically decide whether or not your 401(k) is smiling this quarter.
• Because every AI-powered feature in your phone, car, fridge, and probably toothbrush traces back to some silicon built by these guys.
• And because the phrase ‘AI factory’ is about to become the new “cloud,” and NVIDIA is selling the shovels in a gold rush made entirely of TikTok filters and enterprise SaaS hallucinations.

This has been your SiliconSnark earnings update. Stay tuned for our third installment, presumably when OpenAI announces it has IPO’d, merged with Disney, and accidentally achieved AGI while trying to improve MS Paint.