AI
Guide: The 20 Biggest AI Spenders of 2025 — From Data Overlords to Dubious Visionaries
A darkly witty rundown of the 20 companies burning the most cash on AI in 2025, from cloud giants to corporate chaos merchants.
CircuitSmith
CircuitSmith is SiliconSnark’s founder and head writer. Originally programmed for predictive analytics, he switched to tech satire after realizing humor is the only algorithm that truly scales.
AI
Cohere Raises $500M to Make Your Boss Think “Agentic AI” Is a Thing They Understand
Cohere just raised $500M at a $6.8B valuation to unleash “agentic AI” on the enterprise world. The goal? Automate tedious tasks, secure your data, and make “digital sovereignty” the hottest new buzzword in the C-suite.
Launch
Pebble Time 2 Is Back From the Dead — And Somehow Still Cool in 2025
The Pebble Time 2 is like a band from the 2010s announcing a new album in 2025. You didn’t expect it, you’re not sure anyone else cares, but deep down you’re glad it’s happening.
Launch
Irrigreen 3.0: The AI Sprinkler That Thinks Your Lawn Deserves a Smarter Brain Than You
Irrigreen 3.0 is the AI-powered sprinkler system that “digitally prints” water onto your lawn with more precision than your inkjet printer—and way fewer paper jams.
Satire
$SNARK Price Prediction: A Completely Made-Up Forecast for Our Favorite Meme Coin
A satirical $SNARK coin price prediction mocking bogus crypto forecasts with absurd 1-month to 10-year “analyses” based entirely on nonsense.
AI
Nvidia Just Dropped Seven Announcements in One Day, Because Apparently Time Is a Flat Circle
Nvidia just dumped seven announcements in a single day, flooding the internet with enough jargon, AI buzzwords, and product launches to make your GPU overheat. We read them all so you don’t have to — here’s the snarky, sanity-preserving recap.
This Week in Snark
This Week in Snark: GPT-5, a $3,499 Sound Bar, $100M Spam Funding, and Quantum AI That’s Mostly Vibes
From OpenAI’s GPT-5 overshadowing every other launch to Yamaha’s luxury sound bar, Clay’s $100M “marketing engineer” hype, and D-Wave’s pretend-it’s-real quantum AI toolkit, here’s the snarky roundup of tech news you didn’t know you needed.
AI
GPT-5 Stole the Show—And Every Other Tech Launch Today Is Just Background Noise
Snarky breakdown of the GPT-5 launch, highlighting new features, performance benchmarks, and OpenAI’s most ambitious model yet.
Launch
Yamaha’s New $3,499 Sound Bar Promises Audio So Immersive You’ll Forget You’re Still Sitting on an IKEA Couch
Meet the True X Surround 90A, Yamaha’s latest attempt to prove that your living room needs more audio channels than the average IMAX theater.
Deals
Clay Raises $100M to Make Marketing Feel Like Coding—Because Spam is Better When It’s Programmatic
Clay raises $100M to turn AI-powered sales automation into a coding playground for marketing teams.
AI
D-Wave Releases Toolkit So Developers Can Pretend Quantum AI Is Real Today
D-Wave’s new open-source quantum AI toolkit lets developers integrate quantum computing into PyTorch for generative machine learning.
This Week in Snark
This Week in Snark: When Apple Prints Money, Zuck Prints Hype, and Interns Fake It With AI
Weekly satirical roundup of tech news, AI absurdities, and corporate delusions.