Apple Vision Pro (M5 Edition): The $3,499 Headset Even Apple Fanboys Can’t Defend

I’ve been an Apple fanboy for as long as I can remember. I’ve lined up outside the glass cube at 5 a.m., I've pitched myself to be the company's next CEO, I’ve idolized Tim Cook's genius, I've defended lightning ports to Android users like it was a constitutional right, and yes, I once described the iPhone 4 as “a religious experience.”

But not even I can buy the Vision Pro.

And now, with today’s launch of the M5-powered version — faster, cooler, cushier, and still shaped like the future no one ordered — I’m convinced Apple is in a toxic relationship with this headset. They just can’t let go. It’s the ex they keep texting, hoping this time it’ll work out.

The Vision Pro: Apple’s $3,499 love letter to denial

Apple’s press release today reads like a greatest hits album of buzzwords: “spatial computing,” “immersive experiences,” “Dual Knit Band,” “10-core CPU,” “M5 chip,” “magical.” Somewhere in Cupertino, an entire department must exist solely to swap adjectives between product lines.

This time, the M5 chip supposedly delivers “a leap forward in performance.” Translation: it’s finally fast enough to render your regrets in real time. The new “Dual Knit Band” provides “enhanced comfort” — which is good, because nothing says comfort like strapping a $3,499 aluminum slab to your face.

And Apple really wants you to know this isn’t just a headset. No, no, it’s a “spatial computer.” It’s for watching 3D movies, gaming, editing videos in a floating workspace, and “connecting with people through new Personas.” Which, if you’ve seen those avatars, look less like people and more like haunted wax sculptures of your coworkers.

The M5 chip: now 10% more pixels, 100% more marketing

To Apple’s credit, the hardware is absurdly impressive. The M5 chip, built on 3-nanometer tech, drives 10-core CPU and GPU architectures capable of rendering 10% more pixels. It supports ray tracing and mesh shading, because nothing says “future of computing” like playing Control in 4K while looking like a scuba diver.

The 16-core Neural Engine makes AI features “up to 50% faster,” which sounds exciting until you realize that means you can create an uncanny Persona of yourself in only half the time.

Battery life? Two and a half hours of general use, or three hours of video playback. That’s not bad — unless you want to, you know, live your life untethered. But don’t worry, says Apple: you can just plug it in “while commuting.” Because nothing screams safe and normal like sitting on the Red Line with a glowing visor on your head and a cable running to your hip battery.

The “Dual Knit Band” — comfort, but make it couture

Let’s talk about the new band. Apple’s design copywriters clearly went feral on this one. The Dual Knit Band is described as “3D-knitted as a single piece” with “flexible fabric ribs embedded with tungsten inserts.” I have never read so many words that said so little.

Essentially, Apple reinvented the elastic strap. And they’re selling it separately for $99. Because of course they are.

The press release even boasts about a Fit Dial that lets you “fine-tune your ideal fit.” I can’t wait for the day Apple releases an “AirFit” subscription for $9.99/month to adjust it for you automatically.

visionOS 26: now with widgets and Jupiter

visionOS 26 promises “widgets,” “new Personas,” and an “interactive Jupiter Environment.” That’s right — you can now orbit a gas giant while checking your calendar.

There’s also “spatial scenes” powered by generative AI, letting you turn photos into 3D memories. Which sounds cool, until your headset starts hallucinating your aunt into a beach chair made of pixels.

And Apple’s new Apple Intelligence integration adds features like Genmoji — because clearly what we all needed was AI that makes custom emojis of your face in virtual space.

The entertainment pitch: 3D movies and NBA games (soon-ish)

Apple wants Vision Pro to be your entertainment hub. You can watch Superman or Jurassic World Rebirth in glorious 3D on a “100-foot virtual screen.” You can even catch live NBA games “coming soon.” (Translation: maybe next season, if everyone stops getting motion sick.)

They also announced new “Immersive” films — Metallica, Submerged, The Weeknd: Open Hearts — which sound great until you realize you’ll be headbanging in your living room alone, sweating inside a $3,499 headset while your cat stares at you in judgment.

The gaming dream that no one’s living

Gaming on the Vision Pro is “next level,” Apple claims. The headset supports the PlayStation VR2 controller and can handle Sniper Elite 4, POOLS, and Glassbreakers: Champions of Moss.

But here’s the problem: most gamers already have a $600 PlayStation, a $400 headset, and zero interest in rebuying the same experience for the cost of a used Honda Civic.

Until Apple releases something truly unique — not a port, not a gimmick, but a real killer app — Vision Pro gaming will remain the world’s most expensive tech demo.

Glasses are the future — just not these glasses

Here’s the thing: I do believe AR glasses are the future. Lightweight, everyday wear, context-aware displays — something that blends into your world, not replaces it.

But the Vision Pro isn’t that. It’s too heavy, too isolated, too “look-at-me-I’m-living-in-a-sci-fi-commercial.” It’s the MacBook Air of scuba gear — gorgeous, overengineered, and fundamentally impractical for normal life.

Even as a lifelong Apple loyalist, I can’t justify this one. Not because it’s bad technology — it’s incredible tech — but because it’s the wrong form of it. It’s a headset pretending to be a lifestyle.

Until Apple nails lightweight AR glasses, Vision Pro will remain a curiosity — a luxury product searching for a purpose.

The verdict: Apple’s most beautiful mistake

Apple Vision Pro with the M5 chip is the best version of an idea nobody really wants. It’s faster, sleeker, comfier, and still something I’d never wear on a plane.

I’ll keep buying iPhones, AirPods, and Macs. I’ll keep lining up for Apple events. But the Vision Pro? I’ll admire it from afar — maybe through my future AR glasses.