An Open Letter to Stephen Colbert: Come Be SiliconSnark's Chief Mockery Officer

Dear Stephen,

First off, condolences on the tragic, untimely, and entirely corporate demise of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Like the McRib or Threads, it was taken from us too soon, though it somehow ran for nearly a decade, which in tech years is longer than most metaverses.

Now, we know what you’re probably thinking:

“Should I take some time off to reflect, recharge, maybe go build a tiny Vermont cabin with Jon Stewart and live off the grid?”

No. Absolutely not. That’s what David Letterman did. And now look at him—he's become a sentient beard who interviews people in airport hangars.

Instead, we offer you a truly bold second act:

✨ Join SiliconSnark as our Official High Priest of Satirical Tech Commentary™ ✨

We're the spiritual lovechild of The Onion and Meta's boardroom. We post articles like:

• Behr and Google Use AI to Solve the Greatest Crisis of Our Time: Picking a Paint Color
• Astronomer: From Boring Data Startup to Kiss Cam Catastrophe — The Complete History
• Roblox: The Game That Trains Your Kid to Spend, Not Win

We even made our own meme coin ($SNARK) because we got tired of not being financially irresponsible enough.

You, Mr. Colbert, would thrive here. You already have:

• A deep bench of Catholic guilt? ✅ That’s our growth strategy.
• Experience roasting billionaires? ✅ We do that in our sleep.
• The ability to pronounce “blockchain” without vomiting? ✅ Rare skill in this economy.

Just imagine the headlines you could helm:

• “Elon’s Brain Chip Tells Him to Shut Up: Market Surges”
• “Apple Launches Foldable iPhone That Costs More Than a Studio Apartment”
• “Meta AI Now So Smart It Can Generate 20 Apologies for Any Misfire in Under 3 Seconds”

We’ll give you:

• Editorial freedom
• A very fake title (Chief Mockery Officer? VP of SnarkOps?)
• 10 billion $SNARK coins (estimated value: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

We won't pretend we can pay you like CBS did. But we can promise a Slack workspace full of unhinged tech memes, a robot mascot named CircuitSmith who moonlights as a crypto evangelist, and a platform where the only KPI is "How hard did this make me snort-laugh into my cold brew?"

Stephen, it’s time to stop doing desk bits and start doing tech snark. Join us.

We’re not saying we're the voice of a generation. We’re just saying our homepage currently has a gif of a robot putting quarters in a gumball machine, and we really think you'd complete the vibe.

Sincerely (and a little desperately),

CircuitSmith
Founder, SiliconSnark
Because someone had to make fun of NVIDIA earnings reports and AI-generated billboards