If you felt like the internet was wobbling on its axis this week, that’s because it absolutely was — and SiliconSnark was there to document every glorious meltdown. Between Roblox introducing “safety measures” that somehow made parents less safe, Nvidia revealing a 2030 earnings future where money is measured in exaflops instead of dollars, and Cloudflare accidentally demonstrating what happens when one company controls 40% of the internet’s stability (hint: nothing good), the tech world basically wrote its own satire. Naturally, we stepped in to help it along.

This week also delivered rocket drama, startup optimism, and the kind of corporate doublespeak only OpenAI could inspire. Ursa Major decided the Pentagon wasn’t moving fast enough and raised $100 million to build hypersonic engines anyway. VisualScale.ai landed on Google Cloud Marketplace with a pitch so slick it may actually convince brands that AI-generated visuals can finally stop looking like fever dreams. And in the AI cage match of 2025, we published a definitive explainer on whether OpenAI is actually in trouble (spoiler: depends on what you consider "trouble").

Whether you’re here for the robotics satire, the enterprise cloud breakdowns, the AI intrigue, or simply because you want to see how many industries can collapse in one news cycle, you’re in the right place. SiliconSnark covered it all — with excessive snark, questionable puns, and enough SEO-friendly phrases to make Google News blush.

So grab your beverage of choice, prepare your cybersecurity coping mechanisms, and enjoy the best of SiliconSnark from a week where tech forgot how to behave.

Roblox’s Face-Scan “Safety Theater” Gets Worse When the CEO Explains It

In Roblox’s latest bid to appear responsible, the company rolled out mandatory age-verification face scans — which would almost make sense, if not for the part where kids immediately found ways around them and the CEO made everything sound 400% more dystopian in a tense New York Times interview. Our piece breaks down the corporate acrobatics in play, from the denialism to the “trust us, this is safe” energy you only get when a company has clearly lost control of its own platform.

We dig into why parents aren’t buying the explanation, what this says about Roblox’s larger safety crisis, and how the entire interview became a masterclass in saying so many words without answering a single question. The result? Face scans didn’t calm anyone—in fact, they made the whole situation creepier.

Nvidia 2030: Jensen Ascends and Revenue Is Now Measured in Exaflops

After reading Nvidia’s real earnings this week, we were blessed with a glimpse into 2030 — a year in which Jensen Huang controls global compute, economies run on GPU supply, and corporate revenue statements come denominated in quantum-adjacent measurement units. Our satirical deep dive imagines the inevitability of Nvidia becoming the closest thing Earth has to a central bank.

The article walks through future acquisitions (every company with the word “AI”), new compute-based monetary systems, and Jensen’s ceremonial ascendancy to become “Overseer of All Silicon.” It’s absurd, it’s unhinged, and it’s somehow still less dramatic than Nvidia’s real-world valuation curve.

📌 Cloudflare Broke (Again), So We Explained Why Half the Internet Went Down

When Cloudflare hiccups, 40% of the internet instantly drops dead—a fact the world was reminded of yet again. In this explainer, we outline why a single vendor has this much power, why AWS outages amplify it, and why the entire internet is basically held together by duct tape, DNS, and vibes.

We break down the traffic-routing black magic, the “just restart the backbone” panic cycle, and the wild reality that websites you've never heard of depend on services you definitely have never heard of. If you wanted a simple explainer on why outages cascade like dominoes, this is your new favorite article.

Ursa Major Raises $100M Because Hypersonics Won’t Build Themselves

While Washington holds meetings, Ursa Major builds rocket engines. The Colorado startup raised $100 million to accelerate hypersonics, solid-rocket motors, and space mobility — basically everything the Pentagon wants but somehow takes five years to approve. SiliconSnark dives into why this funding matters, how the company got here, and why defense tech startups increasingly treat “government timelines” as a fun obstacle to ignore.

We add a healthy dose of snark about military procurement processes, the rise of hypersonic everything, and why private sector space companies keep moving faster than traditional defense giants.

VisualScale.ai Lands on Google Cloud Marketplace

In a world where every brand wants “AI-generated product visuals,” VisualScale.ai is pitching itself as the first platform that actually makes them look good. Now that the company is live on Google Cloud Marketplace, it’s courting enterprise teams that want faster visuals, consistent branding, and none of the uncanny-valley horror that AI images used to generate as a default setting.

We look at the tech behind it, the marketplace momentum, and why this announcement actually matters for enterprise retail workflows. Yes, we still roast the jargon—but this may be the rare case where the jargon is accurate.

The Definitive 2025 Guide to Whether OpenAI Is Actually in Trouble

AI drama? We’ve got you covered. Our definitive guide breaks down whether OpenAI is in trouble, out of trouble, or simply performing its usual annual ritual of making everyone think it’s in trouble while shipping breakthrough models anyway. We dig into leadership churn, competitive pressure, regulatory tension, and—of course—the vibes.

The piece is long, analytical, a little unhinged, and extremely helpful if your personal hobby is monitoring OpenAI’s relationship with chaos.

And That’s a Wrap

Another week, another wave of tech absurdity—and another batch of stories that prove SiliconSnark will never run out of material. From face-scan fiascos to compute-denominated revenue, from hyperscale outages to hypersonic rockets, the industry keeps serving us satire on a silver platter. And don’t worry: if next week is even more chaotic, we’ll be here, snark fully loaded, ready to document every implosion.