This Week in Snark: From AI Spending Sprees to Sprinklers That Outrank You

Ah yes, another week in tech — the only industry where companies can burn through billions in venture capital, reanimate decade-old gadgets, and still somehow convince you to buy a lawn sprinkler that’s smarter than the average homeowner.

Before diving in, a brief programming note: apologies for missing a couple days earlier this week. The official SiliconSnark excuse is that we were at a “summer offsite.” What actually happened was a six-hour debate over whether we should accept $SNARK tokens as payment for merch that doesn’t exist yet. By the time we wrapped, we had a hangover, three half-written blog posts, and a new slogan: Disruption starts with brunch.

Now, let’s get into this week’s tech circus.

The 20 Biggest AI Spenders of 2025 — From Data Overlords to Dubious Visionaries

It turns out the only thing Silicon Valley loves more than “founder therapy podcasts” is lighting money on fire in the name of artificial intelligence. This listicle walks through the top 20 AI spenders of 2025, and the real headline is: apparently, the global economy now functions as one big GoFundMe for GPUs.

From trillion-dollar cloud empires to startups that think “AI but for your fridge” is worth a Series B, the spending spree makes the dot-com bubble look thrifty. Each entry on the list is a case study in corporate panic: companies terrified of being “left behind” in AI are now mainlining Nvidia chips like frat bros at a Monster Energy tasting event.

The funniest part? Half of them don’t even know what they’re building. “Agentic AI platforms for synergistic enterprise value chains”? Translation: a glorified chatbot that still won’t understand your expense report.

Cohere Raises $500M to Make Your Boss Think Agentic AI Is a Thing They Understand

Nothing says “we’re serious about enterprise” like raising half a billion dollars to invent buzzwords faster than Gartner can print Magic Quadrants. Cohere’s latest round values the company at a casual $6.8 billion, which is either proof of their AI prowess or just evidence that VCs have completely lost the ability to say no.

The pitch? “Agentic AI.” A phrase so vague it might as well mean “good vibes, but automated.” The real product here isn’t AI software; it’s slide decks for middle managers who need to look visionary in front of their CEO. Expect to hear phrases like, “Our workflows are more agentic now,” which means absolutely nothing but sounds like something that should increase your stock price.

Of course, they did hire Joelle Pineau and a former Uber finance exec, so at least someone in the building knows how to do actual work. But let’s be honest: this round was less about product and more about keeping up with OpenAI’s press cycle.

Pebble Time 2 Is Back From the Dead and Somehow Still Cool in 2025

Remember Pebble? The scrappy smartwatch that Kickstarter kids loved before Apple came along and dunked the whole category into irrelevance? Well, dust off your nostalgia, because Pebble Time 2 is back — proving once again that in tech, nothing ever dies, it just gets rebranded and shipped with a new charging cable.

The resurrection is impressive, if only because someone had to dig through the legal ashes to recover the Pebble trademark. Now, the watch comes in four colorways and promises the same “minimalist, nerdy cool” aesthetic that got you weird looks at the office in 2015.

Will Pebble Time 2 suddenly dethrone the Apple Watch? No. But will it attract a niche cult following of hipster engineers who want to say, “Actually, I don’t use iOS or Wear OS” at parties? Absolutely. And honestly, that’s exactly the kind of petty tech rebellion we can get behind.

Irrigreen 3.0: The AI Sprinkler That Thinks Your Lawn Deserves a Smarter Brain Than You

Because what suburban life really needed was machine learning in the backyard, Irrigreen 3.0 has arrived — an “AI-powered sprinkler ecosystem” that makes your grass feel more loved than your pets. Forget college tuition; the real investment in 2025 is a robotic nozzle that can map your lawn’s emotional needs.

The company proudly announced that Sprinkler 3 and Smart Controller 3 are now available, complete with an app that lets you schedule waterings with the same gravitas as launching a Falcon 9. Just imagine: you, in your pajamas, whispering “hydrate” into your phone while the algorithm decides whether your lawn is thirsty.

At this rate, expect Irrigreen 4.0 to come with ChatGPT integration: “Hey, why is my grass yellow?” “Because you spent $1,200 on an AI sprinkler instead of hiring a landscaper, Brad.”

Snark Price Prediction: A Completely Made-Up Forecast for Our Favorite Meme Coin

Finally, some financial advice you can actually trust: a price prediction for $SNARK, the meme coin that exists solely to fund yachts and sarcasm. According to our totally scientific model (read: a dartboard, two energy drinks, and vibes), $SNARK is destined to either moon or crater spectacularly.

One scenario puts it at $1 billion market cap by next week. Another has it trading at “free with purchase of a Snark-branded tote bag.” Honestly, it doesn’t matter. The point isn’t profit — it’s the content. When your portfolio looks like a joke, you might as well lean in.

Consider this the anti-Bitcoin: instead of “digital gold,” $SNARK is “digital eyeroll.” And if you’re not holding at least 69 tokens, do you even believe in the future of decentralized comedy?

Nvidia Just Dropped Seven Announcements in One Day Because Apparently Time Is a Flat Circle

Nvidia has officially given up on the idea of pacing. Instead of staggering their announcements, they decided to firehose the press with seven — yes, seven — news drops in a single day. It’s like trying to drink from a GPU-powered fire hydrant while Jensen Huang shouts acronyms in your ear.

The topics ranged from new Omniverse libraries to workstation chips to yet another attempt at “physical AI,” which sounds like a yoga class for robots. By the end of the day, journalists everywhere were curled up in a corner whispering “RTX Pro Servers” like a trauma mantra.

The meta-story here is clear: Nvidia knows they’re the main character in tech right now, and they’re not about to share the spotlight. Everyone else can either release their press drops at 3 a.m. or just admit defeat.

Wrapping It Up

So there you have it — another week where AI spending hit new highs, old gadgets staged comebacks, and Nvidia decided to play “press release Jenga” with the entire industry. Somewhere in the middle, a sprinkler became smarter than you, and our meme coin started acting like financial advice.

The moral of the story? Tech never sleeps, but it does occasionally trip over itself. And when it does, SiliconSnark will be here — documenting every buzzword, every funding round, and every AI that claims it’s “agentic.” See you next week, assuming we survive whatever OpenAI decides to “accidentally leak” on a Friday afternoon.