AI
Guide: The 20 Biggest AI Spenders of 2025 — From Data Overlords to Dubious Visionaries
A darkly witty rundown of the 20 companies burning the most cash on AI in 2025, from cloud giants to corporate chaos merchants.
AI
Cohere Raises $500M to Make Your Boss Think “Agentic AI” Is a Thing They Understand
Cohere just raised $500M at a $6.8B valuation to unleash “agentic AI” on the enterprise world. The goal? Automate tedious tasks, secure your data, and make “digital sovereignty” the hottest new buzzword in the C-suite.
Launch
Irrigreen 3.0: The AI Sprinkler That Thinks Your Lawn Deserves a Smarter Brain Than You
Irrigreen 3.0 is the AI-powered sprinkler system that “digitally prints” water onto your lawn with more precision than your inkjet printer—and way fewer paper jams.
AI
Nvidia Just Dropped Seven Announcements in One Day, Because Apparently Time Is a Flat Circle
Nvidia just dumped seven announcements in a single day, flooding the internet with enough jargon, AI buzzwords, and product launches to make your GPU overheat. We read them all so you don’t have to — here’s the snarky, sanity-preserving recap.
AI
GPT-5 Stole the Show—And Every Other Tech Launch Today Is Just Background Noise
Snarky breakdown of the GPT-5 launch, highlighting new features, performance benchmarks, and OpenAI’s most ambitious model yet.
Deals
Clay Raises $100M to Make Marketing Feel Like Coding—Because Spam is Better When It’s Programmatic
Clay raises $100M to turn AI-powered sales automation into a coding playground for marketing teams.
AI
D-Wave Releases Toolkit So Developers Can Pretend Quantum AI Is Real Today
D-Wave’s new open-source quantum AI toolkit lets developers integrate quantum computing into PyTorch for generative machine learning.
AI
NTT Builds AI That Maps Expert Decisions So Interns Can Pretend They Know What They’re Doing
Finally, NTT has launched a flowchart to help you sound smart in meetings without actually being smart.
Earnings
Tim Cook Just Dunked on Every "Apple Is Doomed" Thinkpiece
Apple posted $94 billion in revenue this quarter. The joke's not just on the haters — it's on all of us for forgetting that Apple prints cash like it’s the U.S. Treasury with better branding.
AI
Zuckerberg's "Personal Superintelligence" Post, Roasted to a Carbonized Crisp
Zuckerberg’s latest AI manifesto on Personal Superintelligence was too absurd to ignore.
AI
You Could Fix Your Sizing Chart, or You Could Build NaizGPT
NaizGPT promises to replace retail dashboards with AI-powered chats—but can a chatbot really explain why your blazers keep coming back?
Deals
Bureaucracy, But Make It Cloud-Native: EQT and CPP Acquire NEOGOV
EQT and CPP Investments acquire public-sector SaaS firm NEOGOV to modernize HR compliance—with all the excitement of a digital W-4.