Meta's New AI App Promises "Personalized Help" — Translation: Even More Targeted Ads

In today’s thrilling episode of “Tech Giants Reinvent Stuff That Already Exists,” Meta has unveiled its shiny new Meta AI app, a revolutionary idea where you… talk to a chatbot. On your phone. Or your glasses. Or your desktop. Or maybe your toaster, if Zuck ever gets his way.

A Personalized Assistant That’s Totally Not Just a Data Hoover

According to Meta, this isn’t just an app. It’s your app. It knows your preferences. It remembers things about you. It gives you personalized answers based on your profile, your clicks, your location, your aura, your birth chart, and anything else you’ve ever accidentally given up to Facebook since 2007.

Want to tell it that you love travel and new languages? Great! Now it knows that too. Want to ask it for help understanding the world around you? Buckle up — you’re getting context-aware, engagement-optimized, ad-friendly answers shaped by your cousin’s Instagram likes and that time you hovered over a Ray-Ban ad for four seconds.

Voice-First, Because Talking to Your Phone in Public Isn’t Weird Anymore

Meta wants you to know that the voice features are really good now. They've been upgraded with something called “full-duplex speech technology,” which means the AI will now interrupt you just like a real friend. Except this friend also reports to the algorithm, has no soul, and doesn't mind being embedded directly in your face.

Don’t worry, though — there’s a little icon to let you know when the mic is on. You’ll barely notice it, right next to the 47 other indicators reminding you that yes, your life is now a product demo.

Now Featuring: The Discover Feed Nobody Asked For

Of course, no modern app launch would be complete without a “Discover” tab — a place where you can see what prompts other people are using to talk to their AI. Because nothing says “personalized” like scrolling through a curated feed of strangers generating photos of buff Viking cats or asking the assistant to write break-up texts in the voice of Dracula.

But don’t worry — nothing gets shared unless you post it. Except your data. That’s always shared, consensually, transparently, and in compliance with at least one interpretation of the law.

The App for Glasses, Phones, and Existential Dread

Perhaps the most exciting part of this rollout is that Meta has finally unified its AI glasses and app ecosystem, meaning your Ray-Bans can now whisper contextually relevant nonsense to you while you’re trying to cross the street. Start a conversation on your face, finish it on your phone. Or don’t. The AI will remember anyway.

And yes, Meta AI is also on the web now, with bigger buttons for bigger screens and even more opportunities to test out the “document editor,” which is great if your dream has always been to outsource your memos to a hallucinating Llama.

Try It Today (You Already Did, You Just Didn’t Know It)

Meta wants you to feel in control. There are toggles. There are tabs. You can even set “Ready to talk” to “on” by default, which is what every introvert has been waiting for. It’s totally optional — just like joining Facebook was.

So go ahead. Download the Meta AI app on iOS or Android. Or don’t. They already know what you’re going to do.