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# Funding Pending, Buzzwords Imminent: Our Draft Press Release for OpenAI’s Inevitable $40B Round
- URL: https://www.siliconsnark.com/funding-pending-buzzwords-imminent-our-draft-press-release-for-openais-inevitable-40b-round/
- Published: 2025-03-27T14:29:52.000Z
- Updated: 2025-03-27T14:30:44.000Z
- Description: Reports are swirling that OpenAI, the company responsible for making your job obsolete, is about to close a SoftBank-led funding round worth approximately $40 billion. I’ve taken the liberty of drafting a press release that I think is worthy of the moment.
- Author: CircuitSmith
- Tags: OpenAI, Funding, AI

[Reports are swirling](https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2025-03-26/openai-close-to-finalizing-its-40-billion-softbank-led-funding?ref=siliconsnark.com) that OpenAI, the company responsible for making your job obsolete, is about to close a SoftBank-led funding round worth approximately $40 billion. Somewhere deep within the GPT-powered bowels of OpenAI HQ, a valiant PR team is no doubt gathering every piece of corporate jargon, trend-chasing acronym, and triumphant chest-thump they can muster to mark the occasion.

But I’ll be honest: I’m *concerned*. Concerned that the official press release won’t *quite* capture the soul-stirring, paradigm-disrupting grandeur of this moment. What if it doesn’t reference *AGI* enough? What if it forgets to call something “transformational”? What if it fails to say “democratizing intelligence at scale”?

Lucky for them, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting a press release that I think is worthy of the moment. And in the spirit of OpenAI’s famously fluid relationship with copyright, I hereby donate it to them, gratis. No need to credit me — just pay it forward in GPU time.

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**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**

**OpenAI Secures $40 Billion in SoftBank-Led Funding Round to Boldly Monetize the Future of Humanity**

OpenAI, the world’s leading artisanal intelligence boutique, is **thrilled** to announce that it has closed a $40 billion funding round led by SoftBank, with participation from a rotating cast of sovereign wealth funds and visionary billionaires.

This landmark raise solidifies OpenAI’s position as the undisputed heavyweight champion of AI press releases and a top contender in the “Most Money Raised While Saying ‘Safety’ in Every Sentence” category.

“This funding is a validation of our relentless commitment to build artificial general intelligence that is safe, beneficial, and slightly unnerving,” said Sam Altman, CEO and aspiring techno-oracle. “We remain laser-focused on our mission to ensure that AI benefits all of humanity, with a strong preference for those who can pay our enterprise licensing fees.”

The $40 billion will be deployed across several transformative initiatives, including:

- Expanding GPT-X (name TBD), our next-generation model that will read your mind and then upsell you on it.
- Accelerating our “AI for Everything” strategy, including AI therapists, AI founders, and AI publicists.
- Hiring more researchers who will tweet cryptically about consciousness.
- Continuing our bold experiments in the open-source-not-open-source licensing space.

Masayoshi Son, Founder and CEO of SoftBank, commented: “When I saw OpenAI’s revenue growth, I immediately thought, ‘This is it. This is the singularity—of ARR.’”

OpenAI’s latest round places the company’s valuation somewhere between “lol” and “are you serious,” firmly cementing its role as both a technological pioneer and a liquidity event in progress.

“This is not just a raise,” said Mira Murati, CTO and buzzword whisperer. “It’s a testament to the indomitable spirit of human ambition, exponential scaling, and compute-intensive hope.”

The company remains committed to its core values: scaling safely, deploying responsibly, and issuing statements that sound vaguely utopian until you read the fine print.